The Immortal: Showman Schrödinger

By JugularVain in Culture

That's it...I'd had it. I sat on the hot two-lane highway around dusk with a long neck Lonestar beer in my hand like a snake warming itself on the road. It was dusk and still over 90 degrees F, the shadows of the mountains were growing long. No car came down that highway for at least two hours.

"Fuck..." I yelled as loud as possible. No one would hear me anyway.

I got tired of waiting, gave up and walked back to the truck. There was a hot beer left so I opened it with my teeth and cut my lip.

That was my first and last experiment in quantum immortality. The next day Showman Schrödinger came by the trailer while I was dousing my Weber grill with gasoline to burn off all that nasty fat.

I listened not believing shit about the crap he was talking about. There are lots of wackos living in this far West Texas desert. They all claimed incredible bullshit and I suppose the reason they are here is because they are INDEED wackos. Schrödinger continued.

"I learned about quantum suicide in physics class when I was in college. It wasn't much, just a brief mention in class. Quantum Immortality involves the question of whether the Copenhagen Interpretation exists in quantum mechanics or the many-worlds interpretation exists. I believe it is the many-worlds interpretation that rules the universe. I am going to prove it too in a couple of days."

"Yeah, right..." I said.

"No really," he said. "I've done this so many times, in my mind, that I am sure it works. It's terrible not being able to die. Most people think it's the coolest thing. I must be several hundred years old. I'm tired of living over and over with all my friends and family being long gone from this world."

"But you don't look over 30 you dumb fuck." I said.

"No shit," he said, "After a certain point you quit aging."

"I could use something like that." I kept telling myself. If I still had a 18 year old body with this mind, I would be dangerous.

"So...if you keep blowing yourself up, then you'll go into a parallel universe and appear to yourself as if you had never died?"

"And better yet," he said, "everyone is new I never know what's going to happen next but like now I tire of it."

It made my pathetic attempt in the middle of the road a bit silly. Besides, this explains all the crap the religions spout on about. Shit like 'Born Again', 'Reincarnation' and God knows probably Scientology. I wondered also about the TOAD LICKING cult that was so famous not to long ago. Hell, it even explains all these jihadists blowing themselves up for Uncle Allah. I imagine it even explains the bad software I keep having to maintain over and over. No matter where I go it seems to follow.

"So this is what I'm gonna do this weekend." Schrödinger said. "About a month ago I went to Odessa and purchased some plastic explosives from a right-wing gun freak I know and made one of those explosive hunting vests." (Yes, they are there in the Midland-Odessa area).

I still didn't believe this hogwash, not many would except Hamas.

"I have it all planned," he said, "I am going down to the Solitario Caldera and hike in about 5 miles. Then at high noon I'm gonna 'pull the trigger' and let 'er rip." I laughed good at that.

"All that will do is mess up a bunch of rocks and scare lizards and shit." I said.

"Naw, I'll be mist at that point. Besides...fuck the lizards and rocks. I'll see them in the parallel universe while I'm suckin on some chick's toes while I'm hammering her."

This sounded really suspicious to me. But there were not going to be any victims but himself. The guy had an endless imagination.

"Wanna come watch?" he asked.

Actually, the graphic image I had of a Schrödinger cherry bomb was a bit amusing. It had this Fourth-Of-July feeling about it.

"OK..." I said, "Just promise me one thing. Sign your car over to me before you pick me up to go down there so I can get back home. If you change your mind I'll sign it back over to you. Oh yeah, also introduce me to your girlfriend."

The next fews days I read up on what I could about quantum suicide and quantum immortality. Besides the thought experiment you had to do a considerable amount of suspending belief. It wasn't a raging physics question. I suppose one day it will become a religion...maybe it was anyway.

My biggest concern if I decided to go was getting there in one piece. The Solitario was several hours from Alpine and with the heat (100+ degrees F) I was worried about getting blown to bits. Then Saturday came.

The phone rang, "I'll be over in a few minutes." he said. I hung up and realized for the first time Schrödinger might be serious about doing this. I waited for him outside on the porch drinking a tequila and smoking a cigar. Sure enough in a few minutes he pulls up on the dirt road just like he said he would.

I got up and gingerly walked to the car.

"Here, take my cat, his name is Jaguar." he said. It was a fluffy, black, long haired cat. I reached in to grab the cat.

"You're fuckin' naked!" I yelled.

"Dipshit!" he said, "I have on my 'vest'."

"I'm not going with you." I said. "I'm not riding 200 miles with some naked fucker."

"You son-of-a-bitch. I bought beer and everything." he said. Schrödinger was genuinely pissed.

"You sure you're not coming?"

I nodded that indeed I wasn't going to watch him commit quantum suicide.

"See ya from the other side!!" I yelled. He peeled off throwing rocks and pebbles behind him he threw dust and stuff all over the place.

Schrödinger's Cat looked up at me and meowed.

I was looking off to the South a few minutes later. He would have been about half way up the mountain pass, when an explosion occurred and then moments afterward a small explosives mushroom cloud appeared.

So Schrödinger, if you are reading this, the cat is doing fine.